UNCLASSIFIED
Typical family photo
"Laying"
"This"
"UNCLASSIFIED, U.S. Government Property" 3.5-inch diskettes containing family photos, personal resumes, and sundry files. Found underneath a massive fish tank in my apartment complex trash bin along with other items including X-Wing for PC, Resident Evil 1 and 2 for PlayStation, and Leaving Las Vegas soundtrack. Among the quintessential loving family photos were a couple of SHOCKING nude shots titled "This" and "Laying" (slightly modified below). I would assume this family has moved out of the complex but it would be funny if I happened to see them around. Maybe I ought to return these diskettes to the U.S. Goverment. Submission made to Dirty Found Magazine.
UNCLASSIFIED |
Typical family photo |
"Laying" |
"This" |
Columbia River Knife & Tool (CRKT) M16-13Z. MSRP $54.99 US. Described by CRKT as, "...a Clydesdale -- ready to rush a knight into battle or pull a beer wagon. Every day. Day after day." Huh? Found in my apartment complex playground under the monkey bars. Sorry but whoever lost this doesn't deserve to get it back.
Photograph of three people in a boat. Found on the Interurban Trail. Luckily I found the paper frame nearby or I would never have known where it was taken. (Check out those falls!) That cockeyed guy in the back of the boat looks a little creepy. No offence to cockeyed people, but I wouldn't want to meet him in a dark alley in Manila. If he were riding in my boat I'd sit behind him so I could keep an eye on him. Submission made to Found Magazine.
Seattle Police Department incident report detailing an assault including a penis pulling. Found in a cardboard box beside my apartment trash bin. Also in the box were a Driving While License Suspended citation, assorted bootleg CDs/DVDs, about $1 in pennies, and children's toys. Click on either report image to enlarge (both pages will show up in link). Redacted by Seattle P.D., not me.
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"Hardknock Wheels 53 Bonus Photos" CD ROM containing 53 pictures of ladies with autos / auto paraphernalia.
Found in my apartment complex parking lot. Selected pictures below.
 Mo Love in fly camo daisy-dukes bringin' down da hand-cannon on a zoomer and gonna bus' a cap in his ass. Meanwhile, Mac Daddy rollin' in his phat truck takin' care some bidness. Dem chromeses is da bomb, yo! |
 Wadia grabs a tire from the rack while showing off her own. |
14 Pairs of Angel brand sunglasses. Found neatly laid out on the Interurban Trail. All that was missing was a blanket (supplied in photo below).
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George. Found lying on a beach in Okinawa, severely dehydrated, drunk, and oversexed. Thanks to your tips he is now back at his apartment in Kyoto convalescing. The doctors say he should make a full recovery. |
Assorted adorable domesticated bunnies. They have been frequenting the Interurban Trail in Kent since July 2003. If you lost them please pick them up immediately. They told me they are getting tired of eating weeds and are hankering for some alfalfa. Also, we would not want to pollute the wild bunny gene pool.
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One evil-looking photo. Found at S 180th and West Valley in Tukwila. If you want it back then tough luck because I'm too scared to meet you. This one made the cut on the Found Magazine website!
Assorted domesticated bunnies. Where did you guys go? I haven't seen you since the winter. Did those vagrants living in the bushes by the railway eat you?
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One John. Last seen in Toronto, Canada, wearing windbreaker, black track pants and white T-shirt. May be using the alias Shadolok. Known to frequent hockey rinks and establishments that sell corn dogs. If you see him tell him he "sohks."
 John circa 1990 |
 Possible appearance in 2005 (digitally simulated) |
 Possible appearance in 2020 (digitally simulated) |